I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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