Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
