I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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