I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
