hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
