You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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