i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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