i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
