he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
