Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
