If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
