He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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