I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
