The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
