Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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