I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
