Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
it was like his penis was on wheels.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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