I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
