it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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