If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
