Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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