the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
