i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
