Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
