That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
