Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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