White coat. Heels.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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