i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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