he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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