Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
