I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
