I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
