Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
