I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
