remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
The best revenge is premature balding
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
