yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
