I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
