Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
