I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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