I love black thongs
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
