Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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