dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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