this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
