guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
