all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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