Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
