What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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