you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
