So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
