I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm getting married
To pizza
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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